Reflections – The feather girl



People, waiting for something, somebody
A super highway, separating the land and sea
Extra large vehicles zooming by, trees without leaves, sprouting bombs. Finally, the greenest of trees and a bright blue sky,

In our community stretch workshops, the day starts with reflections on the insights of the previous day and dreams of the previous night.

The dreams tell us that the day’s process continues during sleep and almost everybody is able to recollect their dreams. The dreams best reflect the process.

At times we meet our partners in dialogue over the internet, chat, mails and blogs. The following dreams are drawn from the dream journal of one of our partners. The dreams related to teh period of her study of FD over two years from  21 – 23.

The Flood

The roads, markets and buildings were all flooding with people suffering from cancer, leprosy and other illnesses

No food, medicines, ambulances, no hospitals, nothing.

She was crying, was afraid that she also will fall ill. She wanted to help people but she had no idea what to do.

She looks out for help but everybody was busy. The healthy were busy escaping and the sick were busy mourning, squatting, waiting, helpless and dying.

A flood of potatoes

Potatoes, potatoes and more potatoes.  She is astonished at the huge quantity of potatoes lying everywhere.

She keeps walking to her destination with a few scraps to feed the pigeons waiting for her. It strikes her, it is some emergency and curfew will soon be declared. It was important that she delivers the feed to her pigeons in time. She walks fast, faster and then she runs. At the same time she sees two women talking garrulously and denigrating her severely. She listens but does not respond but keeps on walking and running.

Finally she reaches her destination.

Playing in the mud

She is seven; her hair is long enough for pony tails. Her mother always does it for her. She looked pretty in her white cotton frock with cute yellow polka dots all across. She stepped out of her shoes to get inside her play house….and came out with one of her prettiest dolls.

She had plenty of them; most of them remained packed, untouched. She was not fond of playing with dolls even at that little age.  She enjoyed talking and travelling …more than anything.

As far as her eyes could chase she could find only green or brown all around her.
All her toys play house, earthenware’s everything brown….and nature all around her green.

Her friend, the only one she ever made friends with Rahul was beside her….He too looked pale and brown that day. Shaili asked him. Why Rahul, you don’t want to play with me? I will leave if I am bothering you.

He made no comments. She knew that he was no more comfortable with her. She felt tense and decided to get the intimacy back. She told cheerfully, Rahul! Come,  let me hug you. He did not respond but Shaili hugged him,

She was stunned to feel the crudeness in him. She had felt it earlier also

She was thrilled but also felt bad and foolish. She was wondering do I want anything from him.

No, nothing…the answer came from within instantaneously.

She asked herself, is Rahul capable of giving her anything. No, she answered.

“Then why am I bothered”

She did not want to lose her one and only friend.

He was being selfish. He was suspecting that she wanted something that he had and she was not worthy enough to get it.

He said, Shaili, you don’t deserve my words; I will not speak to you anymore.
For the first time, Shaili felt someone had came close enough to shake her. She was quick to decide not to stoop lower than herself respect.

She stared Rahul in wonder…..  Surprise.

She kissed him, the brown Rahul for the last time, the very last….  clutched him in her small arms….which barely could hold him, kissed him on his chubby cheeks and whispered

“Bye bye forever”………She felt the mud on her lips. She wiped it off with her white sleeves. She wiped his cheeks as well. She was surprised to see the mud on the sleeves..

She felt left out, tense and bad, all at the same time. She didn’t know what to do next. She could feel the warm tears on her cheek. She held him tight and wept her heart and eyes out.

Jo was passing by. He was surprised seeing her in the mud and scolded her
“What are u doing here, you little impossible monster”?

She was distracted. She felt that the brown Rahul was nothing but the mud she was wallowing in.

She looked at Jo and said  “I am sorry, I didn’t know… by mistake, I was confused if it was someone or a loam of soil.”

“That is ok. Let us go home, and get cleaned up”… Jo said.

“Fine'” Shaili replied…with a smile.

Just another Dream

I am window shopping looking at grocery.   I do not know whether I have to buy them or not. I am just enjoying the hustle and bustle of the market, families with young kids, parents buying ice cream for children.  Some who could not afford to spend were telling the children stories of their childhood how in their time life was easier. Now inflation has made life so difficult and so on. I move on.

I am passing bya row of garment shops all decorated and showcased with beautiful and fancy clothes. I don’t like any. Seems I am not interested in this stuff as well.  Customers are haggling and I   keep on observing as I move past them.  Suddenly I see some wild animal. It’s a sort of a horse but much larger than a horse with brown and white spots on its back and two extremely big horns.

The crowd panics. There is mayhem. I am about to run but then suddenly I realize that running won’t help. I feel I am far enough from harm and I stop running. I notice that I am neither panting nor afraid of the creature.  I watch the animal without even blinking my eyes.

The animal is moving towards the crowd with a graceful and easy walk. To me it seems like an old model’s catwalk. It appears that the creature is harmless.  It too is watching the whole scene very carefully and asks the people  “What happened?

And suddenly the whole scene disappears.   There is a dust storm and everything is invisible. I don’t know how I managed to reach home, but I did.

My mom is worried and is closing the windows and asks me to close the windows in my room. My siblings and parents were talking about the creature, and the storm. I wasn’t listening. I am still mesmerised with that graceful walk of the strange creature.

It’s another sunny day. We are out with Dad on a picnic and I see a carnival. I don’t have any clear idea as to what this carnival is all about.

I ask my dad that I will call him after two or three hours but for now let us part. I am alone, wandering here and there, looking at the old people . There are no children around.   What sort of carnival is this! Some are playing games, I could feel the lack of enthusiasm, I decide to go with them, start playing with them and do a running commentary  which brings fun and frolic in the game. The organizer comes to me and asks me to anchor the whole event. I accept. As my Dad sees me on stage, he calls on my cell, monster you have not eaten your food yet, you will go sick again and then I won’t take you to the doc. I smile and tell him that I did and  will have my food on time. I will remain here the whole day and I will reach home myself.  He says, all right, do well, and call me if you have any problems.  At the end of the day, the carnival was very successful. All the old people were taking my phone number and I was saving theirs in my phonebook.  We played a lot of amazing games, very involved which in real life I never do

A good dream!! I was still smiling when I woke up.

A perfect match

She is at her friend’s place. She tells her that she has divorced her husband for a long list of reasons but has now found her perfect match and married him.

She is back home and looking at a huge pile of washed but dry clothes. She is expected to press, fold and keep them in a stack. She starts doing it when she finds a glove. She puts it on and searches for the other.   She is apprehensive but keeps on searching but does not find it. What she finds do not match   She consoles herself. Let me press and fold these clothes, ‘ naturally’ I should be getting the right match by then.

She is an optician’s shop. She needs an eye check up and change the frame of her glasses. She selects a lens with – 0.25 less power than what she needs. She thinks, I have to go back to the shop and get the correct glasses.

At work

She is leading a group of people who keeps following her.  She stopped at some well furnished workplace and tells everybody to take their places. She is overseeing their work.

When they ask for suggestions, she gives them happily. Everyone is enthused and everything is going fine. A few problems come up in between; she could not remember what kind of problems. She sees that people are worried. They come to her, discuss and go away.

She is alone, thinking.  She saw herself again out with people. As if in a drama, people turn their selves to her.

And in a while everyone was ‘her’

She could see a lot of faces of herself. She was not scared. But she was surprised at seeing all the various expressions on the faces.

Some were satisfied and some were frustrated and a few were trying to improve.. Her role was the same.

At times she criticizes herself and at other times appreciates

Some of her faces are confident, other faces are diffident.

She at times cajoles herself and at other times denigrate

She sees herself struggling, also celebrating success with all her selves.

A lot many of her selves, everybody was her and then there is the miracle

She is turning into some kind of a large bird.

Old man and woman

The happy old man is sitting on a park bench remembering his good old days. He sees the kite flying in the sky, starts running after it as the line is cut. He wants to catch the kite, starts walking faster, then running. The line is near, he stretches his arms more and more and slowly he starts flying. He is dead but happy.

The old lady is sitting in the garden in front of her house. She sees her grand children playing. She remembers her life over the years from her childhood, how she learnt to cook, about her lover and then her ageing. Joy fills her soul. She does not know whether she slept first or dreamt first. She too was dead and happy.

She meets a boy on the beach, not very handsome, wearing a blue jacket, he is quite frustrated. He wants to befriend her for some reason. She says Ok and then he tells her everything about him. She figures out that he has been rejected all throughout his life. She gives him something in a white kerchief. He is happy but does not appreciate or value what she gave. He gives it away to the junk dealer. She feels pity on him and takes back her present from the junk dealer.

The trains

The train is quite luxurious and the fare high. Yet she manages to get a ticket.
Beautiful very lively girls and boys board the train, a difficult one. It runs on a track at the height of a fifty story building, something similar to a roller coaster mixed up with   a giant wheel. Those who do not manage to hold on to their SELF fall. No harm done but they are no more in the train. She could hold herself only till the third round and then she falls. She feels bad but finds herself in the station.

Trains again, many of them of all sorts, old, new, bare, ugly, rusted.
The tickets are cheaper this time, she takes one and waits for the train. It’s a quiet  night, the moon is shining and people around here are dull and mysterious. She sees her train coming to the platform. The colour of the train is black-blue this time. Earlier it was bright yellow. She could see the rust on the hand rails to the compartment. She could not board that contraption. Standing dumb, she watched the train leaving the station and her. She was at peace with herself.  She tried to figure out what to do. Before she could figure out anything someone told her that in 15 minutes another train will come and she can take that train. When it comes she feels hesitant boarding it but she does. The train is open and looks like a freight car. There are some others sitting near her. She has  some small colourful balls, black marbles, a match box and  three  blades and some paper with her. She does not play with them. Others are curious about her possessions. Finally she reaches her destination in the early morning. The sky is cloudy with a dull sun. She feels herself lost.

Another beautiful train, a unique one but a bit similar, long, neat, clean and sky-blue in colour. At the station there is a lot of hubbub. People are not as enthusiastic as in the first dream. All of them looked well settled, well dressed and ‘self-managed’. The train comes is on time and on the right platform. She tries once again, but misses the train.

The situation repeats itself. She is trying to figure out, what I do now. She does not feel helpless and in no time she figures out what to do. As soon as she takes the decision someone comes near and says, hello. She is on her way to do what she had planned. She tells her plans to her friend and together they discuss how to execute it. They gather the material, and start designing a cart, which slowly turns into a high speed car, not a very elegant one but small and beautiful. Both of them board the train. The cart moves on the same track and consumes very little fuel, as it is running on smooth rails. She mutters to herself “the technology is efficient and effective”.

They take some detours. A man tells them that the train stops at a certain station. They head to the station and finally board the train. She hugs her ‘friend of hard times’, and get in the train. People are yelling and shouting. There is no space for the others to sit.  People are hanging down on handles but her chair is empty. She sat on the chair like a queen and the train moves, gathers speed. People keep on complaining, about the lack of space, facilities and the flies and mosquitoes. She seems to be in a cubicle and everything is fine around her and everything is in plenty. The view outside is pleasing, her surroundings seemed air-conditioned, the breeze was soothing, She could see the river and the mountains through the window by her side. The train keeps running and running, first through the plains and then hills.

She kills her father and grand father

She takes her father to the place where she was born. One shot and he is done.  She laid him down and before covering him with white sheets she kisses is hands as she used to. She didn’t bother to wipe out the signs like professional killers.   She feels no remorse or guilt and leaves the place.

The next night had more of it waiting for her.

She had gone back to her place of birth and killed her mom’s grandpa. She asks,  her grandpa to name his will to her. At first he did not agree. She persists, argues and finally convinces him that she was the one, the only one worthy of it, smart enough to hold and take care of his property, so that it would not be left to ruins.

As soon as he signs the papers, she shoots and he is no more.

Parrot or Dove ?

She found it hard to decide whether to buy a parrot or a dove.
Her basic instinct was to have doves. Keeping,  caring for and loving the doves was natural to her. Nobody knew why but Jo did.

Jo was with her when the bird seller showed all the beautiful birds.
Shaili liked the pigeon too and decided to buy a pigeon, but it was getting difficult to make a choice between the parrot and the dove. Jo kept insisting that she buy a parrot this time, she was not convinced. Parrot is not something, she could associate herself with, so she would not buy it, Shaili explained and argued with Jo.  Sweetie then what is that you associate yourself with, Jo fired back.  “Horse, Dove and you”, she replied with a lady-like politeness and maturity.  Jo smiled saying “Ok”, and bought a parrot for himself said bye and left. Shaili thought for a moment as to why Jo had wanted her to buy the parrot. She came out of it as the seller asked her what she wanted. Finally she bought two doves and a pigeon.

The doves were gentle, peaceful, and beautiful. She loved them and for a long time kept looking at her three beautiful possessions, mesmerized and fascinated. Shaili always fancied that if she could learn the language of birds she could learn flying also.

She thought that it’s not because of the weight of their body that men cannot f ly but because birds had some secret knowledge of flying that they only knew.  Two hours went by. She was still sitting in her garden.

Jo came back with the parrot in his hands, seated himself under the same guava tree beside her.  Shaili looked up at him and at her doves and welcomed him with a satisfied smile. Shaili! I would like to give you a gift since you are the youngest and the most intelligent friend of mine.

Shaili smiled and winked her curious eyes, and Jo handed his parrot to her. As she said thanks to Jo, the parrot also repeated the words. They laughed and hugged. Now Jo looked serious and said “Look Shaili! This parrot can repeat what you teach it and you have to utilize this skill properly.

““Properly, properly” The parrot repeated.

‘Ok I will see what best I can do with it.  Jo……..!!! Actually I am afraid. Seriously I don’t have any idea,  what to do with it.”

“Don’t worry honey, you will find out soon”,

“I trust you” Jo answered, The last words put shaili’s mind into some kind of a quest. It was not that Shaili did not understand Jo’s messages or what he talked, but it was his specific way of encoding that Shaili liked to decipher  Obviously she argued about stuff she found confusing to her and Jo cleared all of them with nature like dexterity and but with care.

“Hmm….. Ok thank you”

“Jo you are a dear friend” and with these words she offered one dove to him. Jo accepted it silently he could not find any words. She looked at him with motherly affection and he responded with a childlike innocence.  He   was silent and but thoughtful for a long time.

Finally He said “Thank you My Angel Girl”.

Sleepless nights

Bare feet, pink frock with pretty frills and white lace all around her sleeves….

She looked at the mirror. Beautiful curls were swinging all around making her small brown face more beautiful. …curious eyes, a proud nose, the face shone with audacity and hope, naïve, yet confident

She was in her study.  She closed the book and kept them away and took out a tube of glue from the drawer. She crafted two beautiful wings that balanced each other out of those feathers and cheerfully she tried them on.

She felt light without the drag of gravity but felt the resistance. She could also feel the lift coming out of her, her mind, heart and soul.

She landed near the girl, the older Shaili on the balcony, looking pale and haggard.

She placed those wings on her very gently and whispered to her the secret of flying, kissed her on both cheeks, less brown and less chubby. The curls were longer. The older Shaili responded by hugging and pampering the younger one. The little one felt the tears on the cheeks of the elder one. She wiped those tears away with the sleeve of her favourite pink frock, ignoring the thought that it will become wet with the tears. She embraced her and finally dissolved in to her.

No two Shailis,  anymore!

Shaili took out those wings from her back and held them softly but firmly in her hands, went back to her study, placed them inside the books and started studying the chapters 1, 2,3,4,5……

When she woke up she realized that she has been revising the lessons of her last classes in her dreams. She felt quite confident about those chapters and happy about those wings
She was again on the same balcony and observing the twinkle, beauty and the calmness of the stars. She was not transformed into the child yet. Jo also was not there. She was wondering “what would have made these stars what they are!!”
She wished if she could fly and reach the star just to find out what was preserved underneath.

All of a sudden the winds started blowing heavily and all the feathers she collected started flying here and there from where they were preserved safely under the cover of her study table. She was panicky and ran after them. The wind was so strong that she could not collect even a single feather and was feeling lost at the loss of her world.

She was standing dumb, just watching carefully where the wind was carrying all her feathers. She focused more and more and to her surprise the wind changed in to a whirlpool and all her feathers automatically came all around her flying with joy. She was not horrified, not pale, calm or patient but as she knew all. She sat there till all the winds came to a stop and the feathers came together all around her. She picked them all up one by one and noticed that the winds had made the feathers more alive.

The same sparkling star stole her attention and the same desire swept all over her mind and soul. She left the thought at the balcony and went inside.  She sat at her study table, placed the feathers back in their place and started doing her craft work. She could not give it the shape she wanted. She returned to the balcony, sat down on her favourite chair. Frames from her past flashed through her eyes.  She was 19 ,,,, then 18 ,,,, 17 ,,,,,16 ,,,,, 15 ,,,,,,14 ,,,, and now she was 13 years. Once again she felt the same joy of being young and naive. This was the time when she was beyond the thoughts of success or failure when nothing could steal her childlike joy that used to spread all over her face, a  period of life when she did not know there was such a world as melancholy.

The 13 year old or 13 year young Shaili was playing happily like a fawn in the same room where on the other side of the balcony sat the 21 year old Shaili without the will or desire of to live anymore.

Mr Freud, the two doors and the key

There was a huge traffic jam on the main road and Shaili needed to reach another street, adjacent to where she was. She could see a number of houses and a beautiful park all aligned in a row.

Some children were playing happily.  She had no clues as to what she was searching and why she was this way.

She was in a hurry to reach her destination. She didn’t want to wait for years. The desperation made her face blank. No one could read her mind. Freud who lived at the same street saw her and called her from the balcony. She looked upward to  face him and told what she was up to. Freud thought for a moment and said he might help her. He signalled her to come inside. She went in as the main gate was already open. It was the first time that she was at Freud’s home. In the living room she saw an old lady. She wouldn’t have been  very beautiful when young, she thought who looked pale, alone and yet happy.   She gave her a welcome smile and said that she knew her as Freud had already told her about Shaili. The lady offered her some sweet dish made of mangoes and coconut, which Shaili carefully preserved in her pocket.

Freud called her again from his room on the second floor. She kept escalating till she saw Freud waving his hand to her. Freud said come…on Shaili, let me show you something. Shaili kept following him. She was tired of walking and wondered if the house was a maze. Finally they reached a place where she saw two huge Doors. Both of them were equally huge, but one of them was unreachable as there were no bridging stairs but the other had.

Shaili was looking wishfully and fascinated at the door which had no connecting stairs. Freud looked at her and said “hey, Shaili! I am sorry I too don’t know how to reach and open that door but I have the key to another door.” Shaili looked depressed but then he said “look! I will suggest that you go through this door and explore the world, may be that will help you find the key and way to this door.” He offered her the key which she received with gratitude. She kissed him and hesitantly opened the door.

She was stunned.   She was in a beautiful garden; nature was this magnificent to her. She was mesmerized by what she saw. She looked back, thought to thank Freud again but there was none.  The disappearance of Freud seemed natural to her.  There was plenty of water in a pond. She looked down into the eater. She was a five year old, neat clean and beautiful who had her curls swinging carelessly pampering her face.

Shaili wondered what she should be doing there. As if in reply someone answered “you are here to learn from nature, the source of all learning. There is  no better teacher “.

She looked at the source with the joy and fearlessness of the baby lighting up her face

He lifted her up in his hands and said  “baby you are so light”.
Shaili took out the feathers from her pocket and with all the innocence of the baby said “bcos of feathers, Jo”.

Right then she named her angel “Jo”. They turned in another direction and started towards deep nature.

Wings of gold

wings of gold

Ouch. She was flying with the wings little Shaili offered her in the dream. She was flying above her garden, home and city. She looked at the sky; passionately. The same bright shining star caught her attention again and most probably for the last time. Without thinking anything else she headed towards the clear sky with the half moon and all the stars. Somehow she knew that it was something that was waiting to happen. She felt joy, satisfaction and hunger to see more all at the same time.

She was flying staring up, no slopes, or curves, straight up. Resistance only made the wings stronger.  The thrust was coming out of her. All the happiness and joy shone on her face. She wanted to kiss, hug the star which took her attention for the longest time than anything else in the world.

She reached the star. There was no comparison to whatever she had felt in the past. Yet she could not feel anything.  In between she noticed that she had mastered flight. Her beloved was in front of her. She stepped forward to embrace him and she moved ahead.

Oh no!! No!!! She screamed. She never expected this. All this fire…inside the star………….Oh!!

Her skin was burning, her dress caught fire. Her heart was pounding heavily. She thought she will die of a heart attack than burning. She had never expected that a calm star would be a ball of fire.

Hopelessly but with all the love for feathers she thought of looking at her wings for the last time.  She was stunned at the sight. All the soft feathers were gone. The bare structure of the wings came out of it. She was not feeling any heat. Her skin was all right or maybe, she got adapted to the fire. She looked confused but happy.

She didn’t know what to do. But   without knowing she took out that bare structure of wings from her back, and like an adept she restructured it as she thought about the faults in her wing structure while flying to the star

She put the wing structure on her back and enjoyed the warmth of the place. She noticed that her wings were woven with thick  gold wires drawn out of the fire. She felt happy but not excited. She focused on something that was waiting seeking her attention. She looked beautiful and confident. She flew into another ring of fire, without any fear, felt the zone was warmer. She adapted herself in no time to the new atmosphere. The process went on….one warmer ring, one more

Then finally she gets out of those rings of fire.

A handsome man is waiting for her who placed seven beautiful diamonds on those wings. And then he gives her a bigger diamond of the same kind as Jo had given her once. She holds it close in her fist.

The man said…”Shaili take out your wings; your time is waiting. Use these wings only when you need them and the same goes for the diamonds. Take care!!  Bon voyage!!”. She nodded gracefully said thank you and left. She did not bother to look back.

A beautiful white horse was waiting for her. She took a ride and landed safe on her bed … rejoined with herself. She is no more an ordinary girl.  I have come a long way, she says, smiling softly at herself and her thoughts.

The lighthouse

She was wandering near her first school. She had not been to the place for so long. Her friends had told her that the school was transformed to a grand, beautiful building, modern as well. She saw herself the same way as she used to be when she was in the fifth standard in the same favourite olive green frock, white socks, and the very same white shoes which the two artificial butterflies on it. In a flash she remembered the see-saw and the small and green playground of her school. The see saw was like a boat where the two children sat face to face and enjoyed. Shaili had sat on it only once. She could not do it a second time as she was afraid that it will topple and fall over, no one will know and she will die in oblivion. She dismissed the thought and cheered herself up and moved farther on the road that she had never taken. Normally she would have returned home from the swing.

She sees a chemical factory, beakers and jars, chemicals and fumes. She ignores it and moves ahead on her path. She comes across another school.
As she walks ahead she is mesmerised with the sight of the beautiful building. She is curious. The steps take her to a fort. The architecture is both modern and ancient, sort of a fusion, made of wine red and white marbles.  The child like wild curiosity leads her to the grand dark entrance. She steps inside though her heart skipped a few beats as she did so. A huge space was spread out to walk through which she did. Some unknown fear washed over her. She trembled suddenly as she heard someone coming to her. She collected all her courage and kept standing there with temerity.  A healthy young lady, clad in shining silk emerged. Shaili brightened at once, she wished her good evening. Further she said I want to know what all this is. Where am I? Who are you and in between she said “I am Shaili, I live nearby”. The lady smiled and told her everything about the fort and about its purpose.

Now Shaili looked confident and said, “I want to explore this fort please”

The lady offered her hand which she takes it and they move ahead. The lady tells her, this is a nine storey building.

Suddenly a white wing comes down and lands at her feet. She picks it with love and keep it inside her pocket gently as the lady giver her permission with her eyes.
They start exploring the building from the very ground floor. As she took the steps with the lady, she saw a dim light coming out of that big place; many people were working hard, fast and silent. They were engrossed in their work and did not notice the lamps at their workstations. Rather everyone had their own candles.

At first she thought maybe they needed to know about switches but then the lady told her that they were not interested in more light. They wanted to live in oblivion and did not know if there were any switches. She felt pity   and tried to tell a person all about switches but he did not take notice of her.

Shaili was now on the fourth floor, a real pleasure seeing that world. She felt herself bathed in energy and enthusiasm.  She looked at Jo and said– Hurray, wow what a place….. Amazing to be true!!! Come on, Jo. Show me everything and introduce me to everyone. The place was beautifully furnished. People were   calm and appeared to be washed in joy. She saw no lamps but there was light more than anywhere else and she realized it was coming out of a big source of light.

Now it was Jo’s turn to speak. Shaili did not like what he said.

He said “Shaili you have to go back and climb these stairs all by yourself “.

Shaili looked puzzled. Jo said that only then you will be permitted to explore this place.”Hmm,” said Shaili. She sang a few beautiful lines of a song she had learnt from her mother. She got down those stairs and in joy covered them in seconds the same steps she was terrified of before meeting Jo

“All right, can we explore this floor now” Shaili asked cheerfully.

A gentle nod and a divine smile was all that came from Jo.

“Oh Jesus! What a heavenly place, Jo what do you do here?” Shaili asked

Jo said I am on the sixth floor, where my workstation is.

Jo talked a lot about the place and the source of light. An unknown joy filled her up to the depth of her soul.

The place looked in perfect order. People were vivacious, yet so silent.
Shaili could feed the flow of a different energy. She kept talking to Jo all the way. She talked to almost every person, and this Shaili did herself as Jo kept standing aside and aloof. She felt that at this floor there was actually no need of lamps as people were aglow

She wanted to ask Jo but dismissed the idea finding it weird.
Shaili looked at Jo and thanked him. She wanted to move on to the 5th floor.
But Jo showed her the plethora of pages he was carrying and said. He was going down to the third floor, as he thought his work might help the people working there. So you have to explore these floors by yourself. He said there is no need to worry or fear as you will receive help automatically when you need it.
He beamed a ‘ Bon Voyage’ to her and smoothly flowed down the stairs. She too wished him good day and turned towards the stairs to the fifth floor.
Without thinking she started escalating without much of effort and she was on the fifth floor.

The same lady greeted her with a difficult question this time. She was puzzled, took a long time to come up with an answer but the lady was all smiles when she answered. She smiled that familiar smile and moved herself out of her way.
Her eyes forgot to wink for a while. When she finally winked, she saw people swinging. All of them were swinging without support, in the air. She stood frozen watching all the swings in fascination. The place was very brightly lit and people looked like lighthouses. She rubbed her eyes and wished that Jo was there to confirm what she saw real or just another dream.
A young lad came to her in a flowing motion. Shaili kept looking mesmerized first at the rope then at the boy. She was sure that she was seeing him for the first time, but still she could not dismiss the thought of familiarity. She tried hard to remember but all she could find was the joy and the smile on her face as the boy said hello offering his hand.
She gave her hand, felt safe and protected. The satisfaction of being pampered filled her with a new kind of enthusiasm. The lad smiled back as he handed strings to Shaili and asked her to make her own swing.  The known fear of swinging swept all over her and she stood dumb not knowing what to do till the lad came closer and showed her how to do it. She recollected all her courage and did the same.
And Yes!! She was swinging ……swinging high……swinging higher. She turned to the boy looked curiously in to his eyes and asked, how did this happen and kept on asking herself  trying to see and find  out for herself.

Three pebbles

Hey ….Shaili dear, what are you doing here, said Jo as he saw Shaili.

Shaili flung herself at him. She shed all her fears and years of loneliness, they sat on the stairs

The lady was amazed at their chemistry as Shaili opened her heart out and Jo listened to her soul speak. She told him that she was showing the building to his child, and asked if he would help him and show other floors to her by himself.

Jo said beaming with pride that Shaili is a hero and would explore other floors by herself now.  The lady was amazed and argued that she is new to the place, but all Jo did was smile.  The lady walks away. He seated her on his lap, pampered and offered her two small pebbles; Shaili placed them neatly on her head to realize that the pebbles were turned into diamonds. She hugged Jo, kissed him on his cheek. Jo pointed to the other. She smiled and kissed him on the other cheek. He took out another pebble from his pocket; it was light orange in colour. This time Jo asked her to put it safely in her pocket. She understood what he said.

Jo stood up and gave his hand to Shaili. But she wanted to sit with him….
Shaili said that Please Jo sit with me…. and let us play cheesier. Jo was equally determined. He finally cajoled her but the deal was he should to carry her on his back. There was no way she could remain there. Jo was a dear. She would never refuse him


The lady smiled and said let them do their work. You come with me; there is a lot to see.

The stairs were not easy, had a large gap in between, Shaili was afraid that she  will  slip in between, but  with the help and encouragement of that lady she managed cheerfully.

Here there was some light.  Some had their own lamps some had had lanterns and to her surprise some people were cooking their food on  it.

They were clad in better clothes, she felt a different energy in the environment but she could not smell the camaraderie and joy, people were indulged in their work seriously, but definitely it was better than ground floor.

Then… the lady asked another question and getting satisfied she put a kiss on Shaili’s forehead and lead her to second floor.

Second floor had all the lamps on, and people seemed relaxed although they were working continuously. They gave a smile to Shaili; Shaili returned a broader one so that it filled the atmosphere with the lightness of joy.

Shaili talked to them and became friends with them. She promised to see them again.
The lady repeated the ritual of asking questions and happily moved to the third floor with Shaili.

It was s better place; the genuine joy was in the air and on people’s faces. She liked them better, made friends and liked one person, Fred, someone very special.
Now she was on her way to fourth floor. The lady was wondering about Shaili. She was very happy for her and thought the question this time would be difficult for her.

The Snake Dreams

There was a big snake, green in colour with brown spots on its skin. She could not make out whether it was her friend or whether it wanted to kill her. She was in a temple and there were snakes all around.

There was a pond. She is in the pond and the snake is all around her body. She was crying badly and a friend of her who was a better player who used to win every game they played together in those days rushes in to kill the snake. He was elder to her by three years. He shoots to kill the snake but because of the snake she escapes or the snake saves her and let her go.  The temple she saw is exists in reality. She came to know of it much later.  The dream continued till she visited the temple.

She is on the bank of a river and there are snakes and snakes everywhere. The same snake was trying to draw her attention, but she is afraid. ‘He’ wanted to shake hands but she refuses. ‘He’ does not like this. It seemed as if he was angry with her and will kill Shaili, he was after her but she does not allow herself to be ‘caught.’ The dreams continued but she did not befriend the snake. But every time the snake does its best to get rid of her fear. She is afraid of its touch, the venom and death. The day comes when ‘he’ finally succeeds in getting rid of the fear.

She is no more afraid.

Over the course of these dreams the snake transforms from it to him even changing his shape. In one of the dreams it has   rather beautiful   lips that one might like to kiss. Other features she could not remember. In another he develops a height of   5 feet and 9 inches in place of length. The snake had the power to fly which he teaches to Shaili, a very different way of flying. They used to step upwards and earth did not offer any gravity. They used to talk in French or Sanskrit and travelled to exotic places hand in hand, from an old temple to the cafe of Paris.

She saw them taking drinks together, and the snake / gentleman’s hand was on her waist. They kissed passionately and she awoke sweating. She was afraid that she had drunk snake venom.  The last time she saw him he proposed to her and they were engaged in a long passionate kiss, Shaili had accepted his proposal and she did not want to come out of the dream but eventually she did. She felt like vomiting with the very idea that she was in love with the snake. And then those dreams never came back.

The bath

It was a spacious bathroom in white marble. The white lights were giving it a miraculously mysterious effect. The mystery was in the satisfaction she felt as she was trying to figure out the reason this time.

She shifted her attention to what was going on. She was clad in a white robe, and the bathtub was also white. She noticed that the taps were golden. She opened the tap, and adroitly she placed a soap bar (she was not so sure if it was a bar of soap. Whatever it was, it was transparent white almost in aqua colour. When the tub was half filled she closed the tap, took out that bar and stepped out of her robe to get in the tub. She opened another tap … which started making bubbles in the tub. The foam smelled of lime. She felt that the water was thick like whey and the foam was smooth like butter. She felt a bit uneasy in her conscious mind but in her subconscious she was enjoying it thoroughly. It took some effort to come out of the tub and she stood under the full lukewarm shower. The joy and pleasure seemed everlasting. She dried herself, now clad in a maroon robe; she saw her face in the mirror. She realized it was not exactly how she was now; she was older, beautiful and healthy as well. Her face had a radiant effect…and her hair was long but still curly. She examined herself again with love and dexterity. Then she went out from that bathroom, and where she landed, realized it was a bedroom, done in special hues. She noticed a painting hanging on the front wall “The white horses and dove.”  She smiled as she saw a man and the baby playing in safety and love, in his lap.

Baby was clad in green. She saw herself looking at him mesmerized at the sight of him and the baby together. His warm husky voice welcomed her- “Beautiful”.

He smiled…and stood up all of 5 feet 10 inches, not very dark, dressed in a professional manner. She noticed his tie was her favourite colour and pattern. She saw herself smiling, flirting as he approached her with the baby in his arms. As soon as he was about to come closer, kiss her or who knows what else he had in his mind, the baby places a hand on his face and plants her face all over with those little soft kisses. She has a hearty laugh as the   baby was quite playful and the man quite helpless. She finally opens her eyes with stretched lips, the joy a part of her knowing now.

A tech dream

Part 1.

Sonali and Monali are twins from my neighbourhood. They are two and we are quite attached. I see some autos decorated with the tattoos of Mozilla Firefox , Internet explorer, Safari, and Chrome and then there are a few tattoos which I don’t recognize.

They clamour to take the twins with them. The girls are wandering here and there, quite curious to know that who ultimately will take them.
Finally the girls make a decision and say that they will go with all of them one by one,

But there are just a few drivers who understand their language. The girls don’t speak clearly and they have their own notations.  The drivers are unable to take them on the ride.

Now the others try…… few of them claim that they understand what the babies say, but then they interpret them wrong and make serious mistakes…

At times they come across few scaring accidents as well… but not much of harm happens.

Then some drivers ultimately understand them very well, and take the girls to where they wanted to go.

Destination. Where they appear as, arrival.shonali and arrival.monali

Remember the extension patterns.  🙂

Part 2

I see a plant, consisting of tender leaves and beautiful flowers. The flowers are as yellow as gold, leaves as green as algae. And the plant did not lag moisture, promising a beauty as it will grow.

Besides it I see a mirror and aspects.

I am playing with the plant, I am nurturing it and slowly I turn into a plant, better than the one I was playing with, there is none other like me. The plant is 5 feet and 5 inches tall. I wonder whether it wears sports shoes.

Then I look into mirror, I see few of my branches heading in the direction which I do not find good, I do not break them, I have the power to absorb my leaves back into my heart. I preserve them safely. Then I put on different- different aspects and see myself and the world through them.

I analyze that which aspects make the world look different and up to what extent. I keep trying, and then I am back to my own aspects and my body as well. I am  human or at least I look like one.

Part 3

I am doing make up to go to some party or so I believe. Some friends are around. The help me and they criticize my sense of dressing, my shoes my hair etc.  I am to choose among three beautiful dresses, a beautiful red-yellow-green and magenta colour dress which looks great but I did not like it at all.

The second is pale yellow and light green dress with some orange shawl.  I try it but people deny considering it smart.  They say it’s heavy and dull. I hated it but I am trying all the dresses just to know the people’s views.

Then there is my favourite one white and gray made of chiffon and cotton. Light and smart one, everyone appreciates it. I feel so happy that everyone liked my choice. I pretend that I am just following what they liked and then there are accessories to choose from.  My options are , heavy metal jewellery and Tattoos

Feathers, some paper jewellery and there were a lot of other things

I opt for feathers which I promptly stick in my hat. I don’t wear them… but, ah, this is a dream. In between some of my friends tell me that if I wear some particular dress or accessories I won’t be compatible with them, i.e. I won’t meet their standards, and they won’t be able to take me with them. I take care of all that and finally when I get ready it is such that I am compatible with everyone. All are happy with me, and all of us go in for the party.

Geeks, I wonder if the Google homepage flashed before your eyes.

Emotional Anatomy : Dreams and the body


4 thoughts on “Reflections – The feather girl

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